I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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