this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
