What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
