eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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