Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
i think im in europe. pls send help
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
