Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
