seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
