i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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