I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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