So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
