Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize