If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
A bitchslap is in order.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize