Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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