Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
