theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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