can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
