then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
