I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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