the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
