well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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