I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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