highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Randomize
