The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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