He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
