The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
