Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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