I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
