Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
