My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
