I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize