just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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