Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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