Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
