shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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