A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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