Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize