Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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