you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
