the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
