I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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