You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
