I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
