Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize