I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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