My room smells like vodka and shame
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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