maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
