Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
