Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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