:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
