i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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