it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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