party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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