maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
