the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
and you fell through a lawn chair
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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