He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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