that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
