just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
